Uncertainty and Innocence

A Sacred Marriage

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Dear ones,

If you are a new subscriber, a special WELCOME! Today’s post felt vulnerable to write. Being with the topic of uncertainty was a tender exploration of not knowing where it was going. Finding innocence along the way. Enjoy and love to you all!

Being with not knowing…

Photo by Davide Foti, Unsplash

Arriving at a topic for this week’s post took an interesting turn. Typically, a subject arises with space to contemplate it or I have an idea planned. But this week, I patiently waited for the spark that lights the fires of my writing. But nothing. Then, in what felt like the last hour, three topics came forward. Which felt abundant, yet each subject felt sensitive and vulnerable to write about. I sunk into uncertainty, not sure how to move forward and the direction to take. Ironically, uncertainty was one of the topics I was considering. Apparently, I went with it…

As I write, I am simultaneously having this discomfort of not knowing where this is going. I feel these tentacles from the deep creeping up and cramping down on the process. Control, as wanting to get on top of this. And our culture reinforces this seeking of answers, being in the know. A paradigm that has become even more prominent since the inception of the internet where information is literally at our fingertips. For example, last night my husband and I could not remember the group who played the song, Sweet Emotion. So, we googled it! “Google” is a verb!

Uncertainty

Our physical world is constantly changing, impermanence as the reality of life. All I need to do is look at my own body! It is ageing and continually shifting, an ongoing taking care. Eating to satiate the hunger. Sleeping to rest from fatigue. Exercising to elevate tightness, to support health and well being. Play that brings joy into my living. We move in seasonal and cyclic ways because we live inside of nature. We are not just a part of it, or a species above it. It is what we are!

Looking into our ancestral past, humans were more relational and collaboratively engaged. We lived deep within the temporal and ephemeral ways of life. By necessity, we had to understand the cycles and work together to survive, knowing the rhythms of life as our own. To live this way is raw, naked and tender. As well as innocent and deeply powerful.

In our current time there is a hyper focus on individuality, a separate self. Hierarchical ways of being on top of things and in control. Pulling us further away from the natural movements of life. A deepening polarization of opinions and beliefs. Alongside the compulsion to dominate and subjugate.

Speaking the Truth

Photo by Omer Salom, Unsplash

So, I found myself at my altar. Asking, “where does all this live in me and how is it playing out?” Lately I have been spending time with the verbal practice of speaking truth to myself. Not the nicely packaged cleaned up spiritual truths. The ones affirmations are built on. But the messy, feral, vulnerable human truths. The ones I am afraid to tell and hear, the ones I want to hide from myself.

What arose… from deep within my being… and belly… was…

“I am uncomfortable with uncertainty.”

(pausing and letting that sink into my heart. Then came the words…)

“I am invested in knowing and having the answers.”

The vibrations of both these truths resounded in my body. Echos reverberating, breaking me open, releasing stuck energies. All of this held by the cavernous heart of my being. I felt the power in this truth, the vulnerability of simply being honest and real with myself. What was left was pure innocence.

Innocence

Photo by Erika Fletcher, Unsplash

When I started this post “uncertainty” and “innocence” were two separate topics. Yet as I started diving deeper the more their correlation became apparent. My time at my altar confirmed it. The innocence of uncertainty! This sincere willingness to not know. Open to the ongoing cycles of life. Dancing with these natural rhythms that are untainted by deceptions and lies. Growing the capacity to be with the oscillations of ebb and flow.

When I speak of Innocence, it is not about being chaste or virtuous like some painting hanging on a wall preserved in time. Instead, it’s an open curiosity, a simplicity of wonder, a purity of heart. Protecting this pair is vital. A ferocious devotion that honors the preciousness that uncertainty and innocence create together. Being like a mama bear guarding her cubs.

Recognizing at the same time the challenge of doing this in a culture that tends to disregard this. Being gentle and kind amid rising grief and heartbreak when it all comes undone. Like witnessing wrongs done for the sake of power and greed.

All of this deserves deeper exploration. For now, innocence is always with me, with you, with all of us! Maybe covered by conditioning and trauma, or the business of this world. But it can be found again and again by dropping into the heart. Staying put and being honest with what is here and what is arising. Simply being present.

Creativity

The creative process for me deepens this marriage of uncertainty and innocence. Writing this post as an example! Creating is a very vulnerable activity. I enter it UNCERTAIN, not knowing beforehand how it will go, what will transpire. While also being present with the various feelings that arise like, shame, excitement, fear and joy. Getting stuck and frustrated, then being untethered and freely flowing.

INNOCENCE is the key, the willingness to step into the mystery of not knowing. Curiosity as the listening and following the insights, intuition and guidance. The wonder of watching the next step as it unfolds.

I also love making mandalas. Lately I have been spontaneously picking a photo from Pexels or Unsplash. Then allowing the colors, shapes, negative space and contrast to show the way. Following the crumbs of insight, feeling the energy of the completed mandala calling me forward. Am I creating or is this final piece creating me?

The picture above is what I started with. Below is the resulting mandala…

Being with uncertainty, allowing for innocence

PAUSE: The opposite of uncertainty is not certainty, it is presence, life, the innocence of being. When things feel chaotic, grabbing or resisting is only a superficial fix. An invitation to take a pause and be present. A moment to simply breathe!

MAKE PEACE WITH CHANGE: We live in an unpredictable world, but change is not the enemy. Nature teaches us this in the preciousness of every moment.

DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU THINK: Change cannot be rationalized. And ruminating over worst case scenarios only elevates fear, stress, grief and anxiety. Take the journey from head to heart as self-care and compassion. Return to innocence.

Questions for you…

• What is your relationship with uncertainty?

• Can you be present with yourself without having answers, being in the mystery of unknowing?

• Do you allow yourself to be with your innocence?

Would love to know your thoughts and feelings. Let’s have a conversation…

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