From Fragmented to Whole
Welcoming every emotion and feeling as part of you, even the shame!
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Today I am exploring and sharing a practice that I have been doing for some time now. A way to include all of myself, even the splintered pieces.
How do I embrace wholeness if I only see the parts?
Reflecting on and exploring the specific aspects of my being is important to me. Essential for a healthy expression of life. As someone who journeys through liminal spaces, recognizing the importance of embracing wholeness is essential too. Lately I have been standing in front of my altar with all my candles lit. Their flames flickering, casting dancing shadows on the walls. I burn some sage. As the whiffs of the plant medicine fill the air, I say something like:
All of me is welcome here.
Right here
Right now.
There is no test to pass
No conditions to meet
No finish line to get to or cross.
All of me is welcome here.
My grief, sorrow and anguish
My anger, rage and storm.
Every feeling, sensation and sense
Has a place at my table
As well as a voice to share.
All of me is welcome here.
My joy, pleasure and delight
My calm, stillness and silence.
Even shame and that which wants to reject it
Even pain and that which wants to fix it
Even uncertainty and that which wants to solve it.
All of me is welcome here.
The many parts
Coming home.
My biggest stumbling block is SHAME!
My initial sentiment around shame is that it’s useless, a detrimental and dysfunctional patterning that has no value whatsoever! Which implies that the statement, “all of me is welcome here,” is a falsity or at least a fantasy.
Okay… Pause… Time to breathe… Pause… Breathe again…
If I am honestly inviting “all of me to be welcome here”, then that means including the shame. Even that which rejects and judges it! So, what is needed here?
Acceptance
Acceptance does not mean that I fall into passivity or resignation. I don’t need to agree to an ongoing feeling of unworthiness or humiliation.
Instead, it’s taking to heart that feelings and emotions are on a whole mostly fleeting. They come and they go. All those that I consider positive and all those I consider negative. Happiness and sadness both flow and ebb. Shame moves as well.
Inviting me to be with the shame when it is present, because that is what is showing up. Can I trust the unfolding? Can I see the wisdom in it? It helps to see that shame is not an enemy. By opening to peace negotiations, I lower and dismantle my defenses. I drop the battle.
Journeying with shame
Being committed to welcoming all the parts of me means opening to possibility. The prospect that there is either some sort of benefit or at the very least, a way to accommodate shame rather than ostracize it!
This requires me to be gentle with myself, compassionate. When I first extended an opening to shame, it was but a crack. Like putting my toe in a swimming pool and then running the other way. Yet, I was committed to this mantra of welcoming.
Slowly… but surely… I crept back… only to retreat again…
Meeting shame, including the excavation of it takes time. For me, finding trust and softening has become the way through it. What I found with each encounter is that even though I was not the instigator of this shame, somehow, I was keeping this so-called “beast” alive. There is no doubt, others can cause great harm by invalidating our true nature. In my case, patriarchy, the split of the feminine, parental instillation, ancestral persecution, along with a myriad of social and cultural conditioning. Yet, I need to take some responsibility, for at some level I’m perpetuating it too.
This is the point where anger serves me. Powerful to call out the misinformation and toxicity. Yet internally, shame has a better chance of coming to the surface when I am being kind and tender with myself.
Seeing the Upside to shame
As I began to meet shame, I discovered it wasn’t quite the monster I made it out to be. That it actually did have an upside! Surprise, surprise!
Here are some examples I found along the way:
DEEPER AWARENESS: Shame shows me the importance and value I place on connection and relationality. If someone pulls away and I lose that coherence, it doesn’t have to mean I am a failure or unworthy. It can be an indicator that I crossed a line and need to adjust my behavior. Or simply to become aware of the other person’s challenges.
ACCOUNTABILITY: Shame motivates me to be responsible for my actions. Instead of blaming others or making excuses which only exacerbates the problem. Being honest and speaking truth about shame is an invitation into humbleness and vulnerability that only deepens my relationships.
GROWTH: There is a saying, “pain pushes until vision pulls.” The ache of feeling shame drives me to understand myself better. To develop the ability to handle discomfort in a healthy way.
EMPATHY: Knowing my shame increases my awareness and sensitivity to how others might feel in similar situations. Making it easier to fall into rapport and compassion with what they are feeling.
The Daemon Aedos
In the process of writing this essay, shame has begun to feel more like a daemon (daimon) to me. To my amazement, (loving the synchronicity) I discovered the Greek Daemon Aedos.
First it is important to acknowledge that daemons are not demons. According to Greek mythology, daemons are deified personifications and nature forces. Neither gods nor mortal, being somewhere in between. Liminal spirit guides, tricksters, that travel with us, forces that can shape our destiny. Carl Jung used this term as well but referred to it more as subconscious drives and aspects of our psyche that influence our behavior.
Aedos (Aidos) is one such daemon. She invokes shame, modesty, reverence, humility and respect. Aristotle defined it as a middle ground between vanity and cowardice.1 Again, Aedos feels liminal to me. A place of humbleness. Where one refrains from arrogance and egoism by honoring our human foibles and limitations. An embodied sense of ethical behavior where one can take pride in one’s accomplishments while also acknowledging success in others. Shame to the Greeks was not necessarily viewed negatively, instead it served more as a moral compass.
Message from Aedos:
Shame in your current culture runs rampant. Deeply rooted in the sense of not belonging or being judged. You see it in the marketplace that points out one’s flaws. In society as an enforcement of conformity. In the workplace with its demand for productivity and perfectionism. In religion as a tool for morality. None of this is inherently wrong. The problem is the pendulum has swung so far to one side that shame is now an imposed coercion for power and resources.
Look beyond the surface and uncover the false narratives that you’ve believed about yourself. Examine your actions and make amends where needed. Shame is a catalyst. Helping you heal, grow, and cultivate greater empathy. You are not alone, small or fractured. Shame is not meant to be a prison but a doorway into the deeper awareness that you are so much more than you think you are.
Your inherent worth is not based on failures or mistakes, you are the phoenix that rises from them. You are not meant to meet every expectation that others have for you, or you have for yourself. They are there to assist you in moving beyond false limitations and to compassionately embrace the imperfections and vulnerabilities that make you human.
I am offering personalized one-on-one sessions designed to support and nurture your spiritual journey, helping you gain deeper insight into the movements of your life. If you're interested, feel free to reach out to me via direct message or email. Looking forward to this opportunity to work with you.
Questions for you…
How do you embrace wholeness?
How do you cope with or deal with feelings of shame?
How do you distinguish between healthy shame (the upsides) and unhealthy shame (when toxic)?
Would love to know your thoughts and feelings. Let’s have a conversation…
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https://www.hellenicaworld.com/Greece/Mythology/en/Aidos.html
I love this one, Julie! So deeply relational. I remember reading once that shame is like a dart that we throw into an already painful or uncomfortable situation. But then if we shame the shame, we just keep throwing darts at it. Your process for accepting and embracing all of it, including the shame is so perfect. Thank you so much for sharing all this wisdom! ❤️
This vulnerability and honesty about the deep secret so many of us carry is phenomenally powerful. Amazing work here, digging through the trenches of the soul to bring to light the things buried there. Shame is never just personal--it's a perversion of the human spirit that's been passed down through the ages. When we can bring awareness to it and clear it from the body, I dream that we are clearing it from this world.